Scripture Note
Matt. 18:23   “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants…”

The Kingdom Leads with Forgiveness
This phrase from Matthew 18 begins with a drum roll…“the kingdom of heaven is like!”  It is the announcement that what follows will be profoundly impactful in our present journey as kingdom people.  It is not a future statement, it is a present statement.  Jesus came proclaiming the Kingdom, and so, when we hear “the kingdom of heaven is like” it demands all of our attention and all of our commitment to see and to believe.  I often insert some casual phrases like “this is the way it really is,” or “this is how the family works” in order to help the parable come to life in my present walk.  Forgiveness is the Way of the Kingdom.

Who can offend me?
Let’s start our discussion of forgiveness by asking, “who can offend me?” Well, I propose that anyone from whom we expect anything–at all–has the power to offend. This definition of offense means that those closest to us, and closest to the needs of our heart will have the potential to offend us the most.  Try this list and see how many hurts you can name, that might even still exist, from these close, critical relationships (write them in the margins):

• Father
• Mother
• Spouse
• Siblings
• Best friend
• Pastor
• Teacher
• Employer/Manager
• Child

Does this mean these people should be avoided because we can identify the hurts?  Of course not.  It means the importance of their roles in our lives are such that our expectations of them are more important than from anyone else and, so, they have more hurtful and more helpful potential.  Anyone could offend us, but they can do a better job because of their proximity.  We might be offended in our minds by a philosopher who wrote a book two hundred years ago, but it is quite different from the hurt that can sting our hearts from the people in close relationship to us.  The only people I can think of who can not offend me are those I have never met.

Anytime we expect anything from anyone there is a chance for them to fail us, to offend us, to hurt us.  If we expect love, but we receive indifference then we are hurt.  If we expect protection, but we are not protected then we can be both hurt and offended.  If we expect a reply, but never receive a call back, then I can feel rejected and be offended.  If we deserve extra respect but we receive average treatment, then we feel slighted and we are offended.  This is normal and every day stuff, and this article is meant to delve into the process of taking offenses or guarding against them, but rather what to do with those that are already growing in us.

Where do offenses grow?
Offense does not grow in a place outside of ourselves, but it grows in our own hearts.  Hurt does not exist in concept, it exists as a feeling inside of us.  In our hearts is a paper list on which offenses can be written.  It is an accounting ledger of sorts.  A list of wrongs done to us are written here in permanent ink.  A place where the failures of others can be stored.

• Entry 327 (in the Book of Offense):  I expected my friend Stan to remember my birthday, and though he called me to borrow a wrench that very day, he did not remember my birthday.  Friends should remember my birthday, he did not, he may not be my friend.
• Entry 681:  Today, my son yelled at his mother, and she turned to me and said, “See what you have trained your son to do?”  I expected my son to be kind to his mother, and I expected my wife to respect me, and I expected myself to never train my own son to be cruel to his mother.  I don’t know who I am offended most at, but I feel very hurt.
• Entry 1,209:  The price of gas went up again.  I hate President Bush for doing this to me. I expect him to do a better job of making my life enjoyable.

Whether the offense is real or rational, simple or complex, is not the point.  The point is that we have expectations, and these create opportunities for failure when they are not met.  Again, this is not the article to speak into maturing in our expectations…no matter how mature we become we will have the ability to be offended.  Whether we make known our expectations or not is also irrelevant.  If we are hurt, then it goes on the list.  Whether we understand it our not, it goes on the list.  Whether we are sage-like in our maturity or wild children…offenses go on the list.

Time Does Not Fade Offenses
Time does not erase anything from the Book of Offense.  It might turn so many pages that the offense is difficult to find.  It might blur our recognition of our own handwriting, but it does not remove the entry.  Time, as a matter of fact, does absolutely nothing…at least nothing more than it does for anything else that can grow.  That’s right, I am emphasizing that offenses have life, and can grow.  An entry in our Book of Offense is not a dead, lifeless entry on a dead page, but a living scroll of events that have brought hurt.  Over time they do not die, they take root and begin to bear fruit.

Water and sunlight and soil can help a plant grow.  The plant grows because that is its nature.  Time is only a ticking of moments where that plant’s growth can be measured.  Offenses will grow in our hearts if we plant them there.  They grow faster if we water them with excuses and justifications for keeping them there.  They will turn into mighty oak trees if we nurture them in bitter language, focus on them regularly, and give them permission to stay forever.

Making excuses for someone else’s hurtful actions does not remove the offense either.  A self-talk that creates a reason for the offense–an alibi for the offender–is not a healing conversation.  Justifying the offender does not, in any way, remove the entry on the Book.  It sounds like this, “My dad didn’t mean to hurt me it’s just that he worked a lot and cared so much for our family that he never had time for me.  How can I hold that against him?”  We may question why we wrote what we did in the Book of Offense, and write a million notes in the margin to try and explain them, but they still will not go away.

What is the fruit of offense?
Volumes have been written on this subject by both the spiritual and the natural mind.  Psychological, emotional, spiritual and even physical pain have all been proven to grow from the trees of offense in our hearts.  We should learn to expect these symptoms, these life diseases, just like we expect the orange tree to bud and make fruit every spring; or in keeping with the sickness metaphor:  just like we expect a flu virus to give us aches and pains.

We can probably all cite examples of how a marriage was suffering because an old lover was never forgiven; when a mind was in bondage to addiction, because the diminishing words of a parent were never forgiven; when physical pain was a way of life, and stresses filled the mind and then the neck and back because bitterness took hold of a person’s life.  If we stop for a moment the Holy Spirit may point to some of these painful illustrations in our own journey…

Forgiveness Is Power
Read Matthew 18:15-35.  Take your time.  Look for the big themes.  There are many amazing points here, but let’s first address the biggies, the first, Binding and Loosing.

The power to activate or restrict in heaven is (are you kidding?) huge!  What we do–how we act–toward those who offend us actually energizes positive or negative powers in the spiritual realm, and these powers really do have affect in the world around us.  Our actions will set things in motions in the world we can’t see and in the world we can see.  It will affect both the one we do or do not forgiven, but more explicitly in this scripture it will most deeply affect us!  In the last sentence of the parable of the forgiving king Jesus makes it personal for us when he says, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless…”  I know that God’s love unconditional, but do you see this big word UNLESS?  Unless is a condition, and there is something that we have to do-or get to do–in the work of forgiveness.  It means we have power.  IF we forgive then we release forgiveness in heaven, but if we do not forgive and we put people in our “payback prisons” like the unforgiving servant did, then God will put us in prison as well. This implies, I believe, both supernatural and natural consequences.  Now, this does not say “God won’t love you unless,” (just in case you thought I wanted to make God’s love conditional) but it does say God will turn us over to the torturers and the jailers!  This is a principle of the kingdom…the kingdom of heaven is like.  My friends, we must believe that God’s word is true and these parables are not just light teachings that Jesus shared to entertain.  We will be tortured if we live in unforgiveness.  Mark it down.  Learn to expect it.

However, we have the power to unleash the powers of heaven if would only forgive!  Wow!  This just blows my mind.  I would like to propose the powers of heaven would include, to name a few:  healing!  restoration!  reconciliation!  deliverance!  the power to overcome!  and resurrection from the dead!  Am I getting too excited and going beyond what is implied here?  Well, do you want to tell me how little I should expect of God then when he promises to Loose things or Bind things in heaven when I forgive or curse?  I am going for the gold!  When Jesus forgave us, just as the king in the parable forgave, he opened up for us a brand new life.  It is a life of healing, restoration, reconciliation, deliverance, overcoming power, and resurrection from death.  Why shouldn’t I expect the life of the Kingdom to be released on others and all around me when I forgive just as Christ has forgiven me?

Forgiveness Is A Release from Prison
If we can clearly see in this scripture that unforgiveness leads everyone into prison, then we should be able to see that  forgiveness is what bails us out!  Remember, that we do not forgive others that we put them in a prison “until they pay back all they owe,” but God will also put us in prison because we have activated “bondage” in the heavenlies.  We have to live under the powers from the heavenlies that we release here on earth.  So everyone ends up in prison.  This prison is emotional, psychological, and spiritual with real and terrible long term consequences.  BUT…when we forgive we immediately reverse this process…we reverse the powers that were released to rule over us in the spiritual realm.

When we forgive we first release others from the prison of “what you owe me.”  Write this down. This is serious talk.  Forgiveness is not the fading of feelings (this is a result that will come), and is not the excusing of the offender (though we might learn to have compassion on them), but it is the removal of debt.   Debt is largest theme in the parable from Matthew 18.  Debt is what is owed to another.  When we do not forgive, it means that our expectation to be paid something was not fulfilled and we are going to hold another in contempt until that debt is paid!  Remember, how we started this article talking about the definition of offense being failed expectations?  Expectations are what is owed.  When it is not paid, then offense is written down and then we have an immediate choice:  release the debt or hold on to it.  If we hold on to the debt which says to the offender, “you still owe me!” then both the offender and we will be thrown into prison just as Jesus has promised.

I will offer a footnote of truth here that is worthy of its own book.  If those who owe you will not pay you back…then someone, and someone closer to you, will pay.  Someone will pay for what is owed you whether it is their debt or not.

Forgiveness Is World Healing
However, my dear readers, when we take our pens and mark through the line on the ledger of our hearts that reads, “this person owes me this…” then we are set free and the person who has been in debt to us is set free as well.  Remember when Jesus said that he was the truth and the truth would set us free?  This is part of that promise.  This promise is not just for us as individuals, but we can see this as power for all people everywhere.  Humanity itself has been under the powers of the jailers and the torturers because of unforgiveness.  Whole nations, cultures, and races have chosen to hold on to what others “owe” them because of hurt and theft, and the result is just as God has promised.  But for those of us who are sons…we have the power to reverse the direction of our lives and the lives of those around us.  Did you hear that?  I really meant it.  We have the power to affect the world around us!

Whenever we release others from the debts they owe us, then we release ourselves from prison and torture…and we release the unforgiven ones as well. This action releases power in both the earth and in the supernatural realm.  Does this mean if I forgive someone who lives in another city that I will release spiritual freedom both in my life and in their life simultaneously?  Yes.  Does this mean that both of us will experience actual freedom in heavenly and earthly realms?  Yes.  Will this affect the world around both of us?  Yes.  Aha!  This means that we can forgive and set the healing powers of the Kingdom to work all around the world!

Forgiveness Is Spoken and Carefully Direct
The last major theme of this scripture passage that I would like to bring to life here is the directness with which Jesus approaches the arena of offenses and forgiveness. There is no gray area.  Some of the clarifying statements sound like: “if your brother sins against you, GO…,” “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times,” “The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.”  These give us our forgiveness gameplan, and they are very clear.    In keeping with our tradition of being painfully practical I will give you some challenges in direct language:

1. If a believer offends you, do not make excuses for them and try to forget about it.  Mt. 18:15
2. Go directly to the one who hurt you or stole from you, and in kindness, even if in pain, tell them you are hurt and explain how it happened.  Do not try to hurt them back or extract payment from them in accusations or hurtful language, but plan to forgive them on the spot when they see the situation clearly.  Mt. 18:15
3. If he listens to you and sees the situation, which means he is understanding and caring to hear your hurt, then forgive him.  Tell him you are releasing the debt.  (This is a kingdom lesson in how our goal is to stay reconciled and we can’t be reconciled if we are not honest with each other about what separates us!)  Mt. 18.
4. If the offender doesn’t understand you, or doesn’t believe he hurt you, which means he doesn’t really care about you or the importance of reconciliation, then take exactly two people with you who can help you share your story without beating the offender up.  Try to win the person’s heart and compassion to your wound, so you can immediately forgive and be restored together.  Expect reconciliation.  Mt. 18:16
5. If that turns into a complete flop, then take the issue up with some trustworthy folks like the elders, or your home group, or a prayer group (who are the Church for you) and ask them to speak with the person.  You don’t even have to be there for that conversation.  If the person is still being uncaring, and unthoughtful, and unrepentant then they will see it.  It will prove to them (so you are not alone with your two friends) that this person has no heart for reconciliation or for the Church.   This means you don’t have to make anymore efforts toward them and you don’t have to feel obligated to ever have them over for dinner.  However, you must still forgive them and release them from the debt you had written down in your heart. Mt. 17  All of these steps I have noted so far are about reconciling the family of Jesus together through the power of honest communication and forgiveness.
6. No matter whether an offender is a believer or an unbeliever, you must take a pen and mark through that entry in your Book of Offenses and say aloud (this is for making sure the heavens are listening!), “you don’t owe me anymore.”  You must release the debts of those living and dead, friend or foe, nation or person, intentional or unintentional in both a formal and final way.  Mt. 18:26
7. There is never a point when you can stop forgiving someone for offending you, unless you are OK with God throwing you and them into prison.  Mt. 18: 22  This is why Jesus says in verse 23 after he says to forgive without end, “Therefore…” and then tells the parable of the forgiving king and the unforgiving servant.  Mt. 18: 22
8. When someone asks you to forgive them, then you must look into their eyes, have pity on them, and tell them they don’t owe you anymore and send them away forgiven and free.  Mt. 26  This may take some serious help from the Holy Spirit, but it is in you, child of God, to act just this way.  You have the DNA code of your Father in you.  Your are Kingdom people. And just as your Father has forgiven you, you can and will forgive others.
   “The servant’s master took pity on him…”
   Look at them so you can be direct and not afraid of showing your own wounded heart.  The Holy Spirit will give you visions of them, if you ask, that will help you have compassion on their brokenness and have pity on them.   You will see their wounded soul wounding your soul and you will understand better so you can feel the feelings of pity and be better able to forgive.  Speak to them, because they desperately need to hear you respond to the cry of their heart to be released from what they know they owe you.
   “…canceled the debt…”
   Now tell them directly, aloud and to their face, that you are canceling their debt. “You don’t owe me any more.  Don’t ever try to pay me back again.  You are free in my heart.  I know you are sorry, and I forgive you.”
   “…and let him go.”
   Tell them to go free in your love and forgiveness, and choose, no matter what comes up again in your memories or in your feelings to say aloud, “I have let them go, they do not owe me anymore.”
9. If you know someone is offended at you, then take matters into your own hands and go to them as quickly as humanly possible and try to get their forgiveness.  This means that in the Kingdom whoever knows of the offense–the offender or the offended–is immediately responsible to act toward reconciliation.  Don’t wait, and don’t rationalize.  Be humble and go.  Mt. 5:23-25 “…[if you] remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled…”

The Kingdom of Heaven is Just Like This!
Dear kingdom friends, there are no exceptions to these principles.  Jesus explained that this is how the Kingdom is.  The Kingdom is ultimate reality.  It is more real than what we can always see.  It is what rules the very fibers of our existence, and it is what is ultimately going to last.  Therefore, any conclusion we draw to change these principles, any “softening” of our obligations to go to family to share our hurts, or any decision to withhold forgiveness from those who ask is a deadly rebellion opposed to the Kingdom of God.  These kinds of compromises are at best a lack of trust in God, and at worst flatly evil, and neither one will produce any good fruit.  No good fruit.  I have seen it and experienced too many times, and this is proven in my heart.

A Ministry of Reconciliation
Here I will make a bold leap in the word MINISTRY for all my readers.  We may have some special “ministries,” but I can say without a doubt that we all have this one: the ministry of reconciliation.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19  “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ…”

We love a God who has cancelled all the debt we owed him in respect, obedience and love…and has now called us his own sons!  It is Christ who has accomplished this miracle of being restored to the family of God.

“…and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:”

So in keeping with being called His sons, we now have His heart and His work!  Here is our call to ministry.  My dear believer if we can only become successful at one work, then let’s become great at bringing people together in forgiveness and love!

“…that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them.”

God no longer counts our debts against us.  He has crossed out everything on His Book of Offense and we don’t owe Him anymore.  Praise!  Praise!  We are set free to become who we were made to be!

“…And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”

I don’t know if you know this, but God himself has already signed you up to do the work.  It is written in your hearts by the Holy Spirit.  You are enlisted in an army of reconcilers!  You were drafted without your prior consent to fight a war against bitterness and unforgiveness which has separated the world.  We have this message for sure–even if we never quite get our minds around any other message: come together, God has forgiven you through Jesus, come home to Him, forgive one another, and let’s all come together as family.

August 2008
Ben Pasley
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Scripture Note
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. Ephesians 3:14-15

Family Comes First
In this article I want to explain why I am so committed to promoting the imagination of family over all other systems as we think about the Church, and I hope we can deal directly with some of the obstacles to this “imagination.” I also want to try and uproot some of the weedy, undesirable stuff that has been growing up around the idea of family and blocking our healthy view of it. Some of us have some genuine fears when family language is used, especially around spiritual family, and these are critical for us to discuss.

Here Is The Problem
So let’s get right to it and talk about why the word “family” can strike so much fear and uncertainty in our hearts. I will try to keep it brief. The main anti-family sentiment? It has been in “family” that our greatest abuses and hurts have been experienced…and we do not want that language in our journey with Jesus. These fears usually stem from real hurts in our natural family, the workplace, or from religious organizations. In the natural family the family could have been absent, or it could have been present and hurtful, and in either case there will arise fears and some knee-jerk rejections of family talk. Those of us who have been abused by managers who exploited us will have real difficulty in hacking our way through the weeds into a good view of family. Specifically, if we have experienced, in any way, the pain of being exploited in a religious, organizational context where some family language was used, then we are in for some serious challenge to forgive and re-calibrate our hearts toward spiritual family.

In this article I submit to you that our spiritual Family, the family in which we discover God as our Father, and His people around us as fathers, mothers, sister, sons, nephew, etc. is the hopeful truth that we all really long for–it is lasting and true and beautiful between ourselves and God. It is to this hopeful truth that our imaginations rise, and it is from this same hopeful truth that we often fall away and find ourselves disappointed and looking for another way. Here is how, I think, the process of failure to rejection is mapped out:

• HOPEFUL TRUTH: Family (Capital “F”) is eternal and real and good, and it calls to our hearts to be known and enjoyed.
• EXPECTATION: The good family should exist, and if I could find it I would expect to be forever happy in it.
• FAILURE: I thought family was true, but it failed me. Someone in my natural or spiritual family failed me when I needed them.
• HURT AND REJECTION: I do not trust family anymore because it hurt me. I do not want to be in it. There must be another way.

We rarely get hurt unless we have expectations that we fail to realize. The deepest hurts are caused by our highest expectations. Our highest expectations surround love, acceptance, and belonging–the very substance of family. If we have walked through this map of failure and hurt, then we are left to find a new way to understand our reconciliation to God and one another. Many systems develop at this point as a substitute, and in our day the greatest is the idea of Community.

Community is Not Enough
Yes, I said it. I am already sorry I did, because I feel as though I am barbequing the family pet. I hope you will allow me to expand these thoughts in a later article, but for now let’s consider these few things. Community is the beautiful by-product of well lived family, but family is not the by-product of community. We know this because family automatically creates a community like an apple tree makes apples, but communities do not automatically generate family. Its parallel agricultural metaphor might be that a beautiful open field might produce an apple tree, but it also just might not. If two people from the community get married, then, by definition, what they do and create from that moment on is a product of the joy of family. See? One is the inevitable work of DNA, and the other is just the privilege of helping germinate a seed. To speak practically, and not metaphorically, communities gather around temporary external devices like causes, styles, and agreement, but family transcends these because it is birthed internally and does a permanent, rather than temporary work which is not broken with the cause fades, the style changes, or the agreement becomes a disagreement. Both community and family are beautiful, but the difference between the two is critical.

It is made more critical when we read into the next section which explodes the beauty of family in the Biblical pictures of our history and universe…

Family is All
In our view of the Trinity-God we discover the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. This is family, the very nature of the Godhead.

God creates the first people in the opening pages our history, and he creates them Man and Woman, they have children, and this, too, is family–the root of all humanity. We begin in His image, and family is intrinsic to that identity. We were not created as individuals who by revelation, gifts, or will should find ways to enjoy life alone.

God brings his first promise to a people to call them His own, and He does not call a nation or even a city, but He speaks to one man and his family: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. God establishes in creation the lasting glory of family which is our lineage. Lineage traces the DNA of who is before us and who comes after us, and we find not only biological impartations, but we find deep spiritual DNA as well. Lineage speaks to our identity which is rooted in family.

When God agreed to form a system of government based on Kings he did not depart from family. He established the Royal line in the family of David–who was the son of Abraham only fourteen generations away! King David will do his greatest work not in walls and wars, but in His own lineage, for the Son-King who comes after Him many generations later will not establish a new earthly kingdom, but a new eternal Kingdom. “Thus there were fourteen generations in all from Abraham to David, fourteen from David to the exile to Babylon, and fourteen from the exile to the Christ.” Matthew 1:17 Family is the basis for understanding God’s authority.

Parallel to the lineage of royalty is the lineage of priesthood which is also built on family. The establishment of the priesthood was not chosen after gifts and education, but after the family lines of Levi. It was Levi’s sons, his family, that fulfilled the ministry duties, and so God establishes the way ministry work is to be carried on even today: through our Family. And here is our ministry (which is connected to Melchizedek, more than Levi…more on that later): “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” 2 Cor. 5:18-19 This work of bringing people together is our greatest work, and this is the work that only family can do.

Jesus proclaims the power of family is our salvation when He says, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever.” John 8:34-35 Slavery is temporary, but adoption is permanent! Christ delivers us from our fatherless culture to be joined with the lineage of promise of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob–a culture of family–and He does it through the cross. He pours out the Spirit of Adoption (expounding on it in the book of Romans, a letter helping those who did not understand the family of Abraham to see it as their destiny) and we are saved through family.

Jesus teaches us to pray, “Our Father who are in Heaven, Holy is your Name.” We are to pray as children, not dependent associates. The mysteries of this life and then next are woven into the foundation of family. What happens in the next age? Family. We do not begin the next era with Board Meetings or a worship rallies or community meals, but we begin with a Wedding Feast where God’s own dreams of inaugurating yet another eternal narrative is fulfilled in Marriage and the establishment of Eternal Family.

Beginning: Family. End: Family. The Trinity: Family. Mankind: Family. Abraham: Family. Christ’s Work: Family. The Church: Family. The Kingdom: Family. Our Eternal Future: Family. Do we think of a reason to find another way? Even if the hurt and failure and confusion has been great? Do we really need to spend so much time on so many other-than-family models, systems, leadership schools, and method books before we settle in to the dreams of God?

More Than Family?
Recently, a friend challenged me to see that there is “much more to life than just family.” I began to consider what he was saying. I understood that for him and for some around him that trying to define all their relationships from the terms mother, sister, son, cousin, father, etc. felt contrived at times and difficult. Too him it also seemed to be restrictive.

I would like to agree with my friend and underline the truth of his encouragement. Let me list a few of the kinds of relationships and people-connects that I see and enjoy as powerful and beautiful in the world that God has made: friend, best friend, partner, comrade, counselor, manager, employee, helper, lover, cheerleader, coach, team member, quarterback, receiver, leader, buddy, confidant, teacher, student, mentor, disciple, captain, sailor, pastor, belay, intercessor, acquaintance, guide, servant, master, companion, listener, caregiver, nurse, patient, and spotter. That is a pretty healthy list.

I found as I made this list that I could see beauty in all of them, but I could not draw a line in the sand to separate them from family. As a matter of fact, I would like to propose that family infuses and touches every one of them. Not only does it touch them, but family only makes every one of these relational opportunities richer. Family does not prohibit them or reduce them, it informs them and strengthens them. It does not dominate them, it transcends them. It does not follow them, it leads them. Its power makes each of them–even in big movies with huge soundtracks–pale in comparison to the hearts explosion at the very notion of the true, eternal, romance of marriage and family and children and the joy of becoming grandparents!

I will make one important note here, and it is an important one. Friendship is also eternal. It was in Proverbs that we learn that too many friends are not as good as one friend who “sticks closer than a brother” and Christ who said he no longer called us servants, because servants didn’t know the heart of God, but he called us friends. I believe both of these statements serve to clarify this point that family is filled from top to bottom with friendship, and that friendship is not a replacement for family nor a category of it. Friendship is the glue of mutual respect and connection that can’t be broken by failure or disagreements. Friendship is the safety net of all conflicts inside of family, and is the beautiful lowest common denominator of all things among the people of God, and it is also the highest level of comradery. I think of it this way: If family is the living body then friendship is it’s blood–it can not live with out it, but blood without the form of family never achieves its greatest end.

War Against Family
It is a simple thing to look into the lives of orphans, the abandoned, the lost children of divorce, the fatherless and see the war that they rage against the hurt of their loss. Their family losses could have been from an absence of real family, or the presence of unhealthy, broken family…either way the hurt is absolutely real. It is also easy to see this war raged in relationship to our spiritual family. There are failures and fatherlessness and brokenness there as well. Do we have eyes to see?

Let’s look together at some of our struggling defenses against family in our journey with God. These defenses have developed over years and generations and they will take some time to unpack. We will only touch some obvious ones.

Cultic Possibilities
Cults are organizations built on special knowledge, controlling leadership, and exclusivity…all of which lead us away from trusting Christ alone. Though I don’t think any of these three descriptives should ever apply to family, it is these three that are often felt and defended against. Does family grow up around “secret knowledge” like fraternities, prophetic revelation clubs, Mormons, and the Masons? If cults are built on secret knowledge (that usually the leaders give out to the worthy followers) then we must apply that measure to our fears.

Buzzer. Wrong answer.

Family is no secret. We have already tried to measure the width and breadth of Family in the Bible and have found that it is so large that the basics of family are just too large and too common to be hidden. The knowledge of family building and family health is found in every culture and every generation. Marriage and family are the very building block of our world. Family is not something discovered on the back of shrouds and under Pyramids. (Some have been fooled into joining crazy family cults based on secret family “revelations” but these fall under the category of criminal, perverse, small group–real anomalies–and I just don’t believe they require special attention here.) Let’s move on to the other questions that have weight, and do, indeed, tie our fears of family to cultic possibilities.

The Spirit of Religion
Before we look at the “controlling leadership” factor, we will first acquaint ourselves with a principle demonic power we refer to as the Spirit of Religion.

I just finished reading an incredibly moving book by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. In her book “Infidel” she recounts her own history of domination, and subsequent liberation, from a religious system that used family models born in religion to justify the uniform devaluation of women and the elevation of men’s power to absolute tyranny in the home. Absolutely tragic. Absolutely predictable work from the Spirit of Religion. The Spirit of Religion (which I have taken the effort to capitalize in view of its clear, unique identity among the powers of darkness) leads us believe that “rightness” comes from right knowledge, right action, right doctrine, etc. This becomes a system of religious understanding that invades Islam, Mormonism, Spiritualism, and Christianity with equal ease when Jesus is not All in All. Only Christ can break this slavery to the Law (which is impotent to make us right) by bringing us as sons (not slaves!) to the Father who shares his love, acceptance, and righteous identity with us as His family. The Spirit of Religion works hatefully against Christ in all of these systems, and there are clear results of its work:

1. The Spirit of Religion will always rule by fear of failure, not by love, and will not allow Christ to be all we need…there must be something more for it to have power.
2. It will always devalue those who resist it, it does not value all people equally, and it will establish classes so that envy and jealousy can work.
3. It will always devalue women, it can’t allow the romance and passion that is truly the power of femininity to invade the cold hard realities of the tyranny of rules.

Go into cultures, nations, and religious organizations who build their work by the Spirit of Religion and see what I mean. Go read “Infidel” and get a good look. Go to many Christian gatherings and you will smell it a little here and there, or the place might be overpowered by the stench. Either way, Christ has conquered it, and when He comes in it becomes sweet all around. 2 Cor. 2:14-15 The family of God is sweet, and is not governed by the Spirit of Religion, and we are going to learn to discern the two.

Is “Family” Just a Control Mechanism?
Is “family” just a sweet sounding structure to put the “super daddies” in control of everyone else? Maybe “family” is just a fall-back for controlling the simple minded among us who fail to grasp anything but a blue collar version of the world where we cling to guns and religion and high control systems to keep the poor little dumb sheep in line? Let’s be even more specific, the real question is even more focused: will men use this family model to control women and children?
Some say religion itself is just an invention of men and a tool to keep the folks in line. “This is benevolent,” say the philosophers, and so, hitherto, furthermore, blah, blah…government, society, religion all stay intertwined and interdependent. This basic high-sounding view is incredibly condescending because those of us who are members of a modern society find ourselves hopelessly within its supposedly religion-controlled membership. The “opiate of the masses” idea is foolish at its core because the greatest men on earth could not operate the religion-to-control-the-masses machine if they had a manual despite what Huxley envisioned. What corrupt leaders can do, however, is use the tools of the Spirit of Religion to gain power, and this is where the fear of masculine dominated power structures begins. Ali writes with awful clarity on the atrocities committed by men in the name of God, control, moral authority, etc…all the while giving perfect example of what happens when true Family, Father God and His Saving Son are not known.

When viewing a belief in God as the result of real and powerful forces (not fancy), actual and active heavenly powers (not fairy tales), real and eternal needs in the hearts of men (not psychological crutches) then society is shaped by the truth of religion. People do believe in God, by and large, and this belief whether mature or crazy does, indeed, shape the world, but it is built on reality, not fancy. I am noting in this article, simply, that in many specific ways people can use the tools offered them by the power of the Spirit of Religion to influence people to their own ends, but we are working to contrast that truth with the darkness of the Spirit of Religion–not the truth of the Family of God. It is when the Spirit of Religion is released that the control mechanisms kick in, the value of human life is diminished, the few begin to rule the many, and, hello, theocracies and tyrannies rise to power. It is when the Family of God is made known, and Christ is received, that people are released to become themselves, human life is valued above all, self rule is made possible, and the ability for self governance and democracy can flourish. These insights are how we begin to discern the difference between the work of the Spirit of Religion, and the heart and family of God.

The fear that “family” is just a religious trick word used by leadership to exploit and abuse is a very real issue, but it is built on becoming a bigot toward all family leadership. Our hurts have become judgments, and our judgments have become prejudices, and now in order to be free we must be free of these demonic generalizations. I have met the manipulators and the manipulated, they are broken and what they really need is the love of Family. Small minded, controlling, manipulative people do use the tools given them through the Spirit of Religion to manipulate people, but we are not going to allow these few to find us throwing out the babies with the bath water–after all we are talking about real babies, not metaphorical ones. This fear that family language might just be cultic control language is fear of brokenness and darkness, not an appropriate fear of healthy and beautiful family.

Does Family Divide?
I have been doing the work of evangelism–sharing my faith with others–for years. I grew up in a tradition that never said a word about family in the sense that we were to discover it spiritually, but it did underline and all-caps the requirement to go and preach to others and convince others to follow Jesus. I have heard, however, some people voice fears that family language bred cultic “exclusivity” and division that is not healthy for the Body of Christ, and it is especially repulsive to pre-believers. To the hearts that fear that the word “family” creates an exclusivity and awkward “Us vs. Them” culture try this as an experiment:

TRIAL ONE: Go out this weekend on one side of the street in your neighborhood and knock on doors in order to make this speech. “Hello, I am visiting you to invite you to a meeting in our home so we can tell you about why we follow Jesus and why you should, too. We want to help you, pray for you, and explain to you how you can join our Church. Will you come?”

TRIAL TWO: Then go out on the other side, knock on doors, and offer this: “Hello, I am visiting you to invite you to our home so we can bring our families together and get to know each other. My dad says anyone can come because he is making enough food for everyone. We follow Jesus, and our spiritual family will be there, too, so we will play guitars and worship in the afternoon and pray for each other…you can stay as long as you like.”

See how different the responses will be.

You might find the two “speeches” to be very similar in some ways. Both are graceful and good-hearted, but I believe they are very different at the heart level.

They are different in what they promise will be the end result.

One promises sitting in a room with strangers while being “right,” and one promises belonging to a family and being known. The first invitation, the invitation to “join our Church” is fundamentally flawed because of the goal implied: you will be “right” like us. (That’s it?) “Us vs. Them” language fills this invitation by proposing that we choose to agree and then we can join. Look at words like “to a meeting”, “why we follow”, “explain to you”, “join our”, and “you should” and you can feel the distance and even condescension that floats between the otherwise helpful intent. While the second invitation is not perfect, it is almost devoid of separation language, and offers little opportunity to be rejected because of mental dissonance. This invitation toward family offers clear opportunity to come and discover, without fear, with welcoming words like “to our home”, “our families”, “anyone”, “we”, “each other” and you can sense the difference in tone and in the end game: if you do go all the way with us down the road we are traveling, spiritually, we will ultimately just be family together.

I believe that the Gospel of Jesus who establishes family is much more attractive and welcoming, than the Gospel of Jesus who establishes teaching and church attendance and we have only illustrated that here with only the entry door into the family. I submit to you that the idea that family language or design is exclusive, divisive, or elitist is, once again, nothing more than the unfortunate confusion of the traditions of men and the Spirit of Religion with the welcoming, unifying, and accessible family of God.

Family is a Welcome to the Orphan
Come home my friends, come home. This is the true and only acceptable spirit of evangelism where it is wonderful to the ears of the orphan.

Try and win people to Christ through the dissemination of correct thinking and what do you get? A bunch of people fighting and killing each other over what is really right in the name of the God.

Try to win people to Christ through fancy events and amazement and what will you get? A group of folks so obsessed with public events and the vibration of experience that relationships are blindly burned and left on the highway to the next “revival.”

Try to win people to Christ through a message of justice and social reform and what do you get? Folks who see better and know better than everyone else, who constantly apologize for God and his people, and divide the world into “for us” and “against us” on the fields of their cause.

BUT…

Try and win people to the Family which Christ promises and what do you get? Orphans coming home and finding freedom for their true identity which, by the way, thinks and dreams toward right thinking, is regularly full of miraculous experience, and lives and breathes justice for the poor and hurting.

Did you notice how the phrase changed to “win people to the Family” instead of “win people to Christ” in the last example? It was on purpose. He saves us to something. And every Gospel transports us somewhere. Our good news can either transport people into being right, being special, or being award-winningly compassionate…or it can transport us into family where we find our Father and our true identity, then just as community flows naturally from family, so do all the other attractive graces we have listed here, and they do so with even more maturity and stability than when they grow up in isolation.

So How Do We Overcome?
The primary purpose of this article was to reveal and confront the fears that have become obstacles to Family. It has been a broad stroke treatment, and a brief to a fault, but I think there is power in just saying this stuff aloud. I must leave you with some very practical encouragements because I love the idea that we can all move toward family together in practical steps that will bring healing and joy with every move!

1. Have you carried the hurts from your mom and dad in your natural family into your life? You must ask God to help you forgive them. They were broken, and they broke you, but you don’t have to stay that way.
2. Did a manager exploit you while coworkers climbed over you fighting for success at your expense? Let’s ask God to help us forgive. Un-forgiveness will keep us in bondage to our fear of exploitation and hold us back from trusting relationships and great adventure.
3. Has a pastor or religious leader used you? Were you used up and discarded? Please God, help us forgive those broken people around us, the small and the foolish, who abused us in Your Name, but were not really from You.
4. Let’s ask God, together, to reveal the Spirit of Religion to us so we can see it and rage against it. We have the power of Jesus working in us who has destroyed all dark authority so let’s not submit to this dehumanizing, destructive power…but instead let’s rise up with the authority of Sonship and break it off of us and those we love!
5. Let’s ask God, together, to show us His beautiful family. She is all around us, and full of beauty. She has names and faces and is full of the value of human beings just waiting to be reconciled together.
6. Let’s pray: “Father, open our eyes to see how much You love us. Holy Spirit, pour into us the Spirit of Adoption so that we can know the Father’s love! Reveal to us the beauty of family from very core of our being–sons and daughters in your care.”

We must recommit ourself to our ministry of reconciliation according to 2 Corinthians 5. Say it aloud, “I will be a a champion of God’s dreams–I will be a family builder. I will bring people together and to God, our Father, and we will learn to nurture, to commit, to dream together as family, and we will find our identity together in the Family of God.

I do hope I have convinced you that we can’t escape family in hopes of finding a better way. Thoughts? I don’t think there is a better plan, do you? If you have been struggling with these fears I pray we can find a way to forgive, and dream, and believe together again. I am believing God to help us all re-calibrate our Churchthink, and learn how to embrace and be Family…in keeping with our destiny.

(A nicely organized version with Table of Contents and Bibliography available in the PDF version here in our online store for ninety-nine cents or free for TRIBE members.)

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SOME BASICS IN THE GRACE OF FATHERING
Scripture Note: 1Th. 2:11 For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children…

Different than mentoring by a degree
Mentoring is not fathering, exactly, even though fathering certainly involves mentoring. I will explain. As you may know, Mentor was a character in Homer’s ancient work: The Odyssey. In this drama King Odysseus (Ullyses) leaves Mentor, a friend, in charge of his son and his palace when he leaves to fight the Trojan War. Easy to see root meanings there. The idea of professional tutelage, or character coaching is popularized in the French author François Fénelon’s book covering the mentoring of a famous French duke. In both examples, and in real life, we do not expect that a mentor is a “bloodline” relationship. In most cases we view mentoring as the addition of a professional coach to build in a younger person a degree of aptitude in skill, intellect, or character for their betterment. Fathering may certainly require all the elements listed above, but it requires something more wouldn’t you say?

Different than managing by a mile
As we take our time to build out a quick definition and function of “father”, let’s touch on something that it is absolutely not: managing. To manage is easy to define. Management implies these basic things:

1. There is an external objective–a goal that a group of people must work together to complete.
2. There is a need for these same people to be told what to do because they don’t know what to do intrinsically.
3. Someone must be in charge of seeing that people get directed and the goal is accomplished.

There is nothing evil implied in this definition of management. We do it every day in our jobs and in our private and public lives. Without it Apple computers can’t get made, and dinner can’t get cooked. There is, however, an evil possibility: What if managers started calling themselves “fathers?” What if fathers started acting like managers toward their children?

Fathering is expressly an intimate work, not an external work with external goals. It is a nurturing of what is already inside. Parents impart to their child on a moment by moment basis their ability to live, to learn, and to thrive in the world. A child does not need to be told to “grow!” Or “get bigger!” A parent only has to nurture this intrinsic growing ability, i.e. buying shoes big enough for expanding feet, caring for physical and emotional needs, and praising wonderful boys or beautiful girls as they grow. Since the beginning of human history this process has produced–by the time adolescence has done its work–young men and women capable of repeating the process above. There has been no handbook. No external goal set. No timetable to meet other than the checkpoints of maturity that life itself hands us.

Chicken or the Egg
Which came first: the father or the son? This question comes up a lot in this discussion as both young and old men try to understand how fathering begins. Who makes the first commitment? Who starts the relationship?
I am going out on a limb here, but I think it is the son who makes the first noise. I believe it is the son who initiates the relationship. I experienced this in the physical when my first son, Zane, was born. Up until the evening of April 12th, 2000 I was many manly things: pioneer, brother, son, husband, great lover, etc., but I was not yet a father in the natural. I knew about it, I had thoughts about how to do it, and I had experienced being fathered…but not until…wait…a moment of silence and then:

A cry.

A cry that said louder than any words could express: “I need you, dad!”

I was fast to the little warming tray where they laid my son. Mom, unfortunately couldn’t move at the time, but it was OK because “Daddy is here son. Hey, little Zane. You are so beautiful. My son. My son.”

In a moment all was changed for me. I became, at once, a father.

This moment is a divine moment of loving awareness. A sense of responsibility and affection that, I believe, happens in the natural, but also happens in our spiritual journey. Family can be recognized and adopted at many points along the way. People ready for nurturing help are making noises all around us…can you hear them?

Now, if a chicken isn’t present when the egg is lain then all is lost. If no parent is present–or awake to the sounds of sonship–then many sons may be lost. Often they are lost to orphanages where they are nurtured into adulthood. These institution do their best, but of course, these orphans have great difficulty doing more than building the same kinds of institutions as they mature. I am speaking metaphorically here of believers being raised by organizations rather than in personal relationships. Oh, the pain to even write that down.

Fatherhood grows out of sonship
Fathers have all been sons. No way around it. No exceptions.
Can we even imagine a manager, by the work of management, giving birth to a son to carry on his values–his legacy? No. Managers train managers, and they will eventually work to displace their trainers in a institution based on positions and advancement and survival. Many of us in traditional fellowships have been training managers, paying managers, hiring and firing managers for generations…and we are still wondering why no sons rise up from us to lead us. Have we stopped to examine why there is very little natural growth? Why is there so much leadership burn-out? Why do we always have to search elsewhere to replace our leaders?

The answer, sadly, to the previous line of questioning is: Though we have ten thousand supervisors in Christ, we have not many fathers. (1 Cor. 4:15) We don’t have fathers, we have a board of directors. We don’t have fathers, we have managing pastors and directors and designers…and so they/we get what we pay for. We should not be surprised at what grows among us. Do you think I am being to bold?

To become a father and break this defeating chain of Christian management and risk-free mentorship is our hearts cry! Come on let’s take courage and make some moves together! The first step is to develop deep, committed relationship with those who will watch over our souls with loving hearts and hands. We must crave family style spiritual oversight. (See our article “How to Act like a Son” to get started.) Go wherever, do whatever is necessary to find this family oversight. No price is to high to pay to begin your growth as a son. Pray with me often to receive the spirit of adoption praised in Romans 8:15: “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Just as we cry out to receive the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, let’s cry out for the Spirit of Adoption to fill us. We will look to our Heavenly Father for his endorsment, His love, His Fathering love. Then, by the very nature of our walk on this earth, we will begin to see His fathering grace for us in the eyes and words and hands of real people.

Does this make us look to men instead of God as our Father? No. Never. But can we look through men to Father God in them to help us grow into maturity of faith and function? Yes, we can.

What do fathers look like?
If I open the question up a little and I ask who has “grace to father” in the Lord, then all of a sudden I can see fathers in all shapes, genders, and ages. Wow!
I am going to shift now to try and umbrella this term into ideas that will not exclude women.

Gender, age, race, experience are not defining factors for either becoming a son or doing the work of fathering in the Lord! Ladies, see yourselves in Christ and you can say, “I can become a son.” Sound silly? Certainly, and with no argument, you may prefer to say, “I am a daughter of the Lord.” I love both of these proclamations. Please don’t get lost thinking that this article is only for men. This encouragement touches the truth of what it means to overcome divisions when we see ourselves in Christ. In Christ there is no male or female, slave or free, Jew or Greek, etc. We stumble when we forget that the Christ living in us may work quite differently through our genders, but when we come into Christ we are no longer divided. Christ living in us who mothers and Christ living in us who fathers will function differently through our genders, but we are all equal as He loves us and asks to come into Him. (See Colossians 3 and Galations 3 for more encouragements.)

Let’s relax any gender tension here and look at something together. For those concerned about using the masculine terms “father” and “son” as though it is a sign of my mysogyny I say: lighten up, not true. Anyone can receive the adoption as sons as we come into Christ! After all if men must be reconciled to being the Bride of Christ to receive his affection, then the old and young, male and female, slave and free might need to become reconciled to the idea of being a sons in the Lord to receive the sons blessings! Don’t we all want to be heirs, all receive the father’s blessing, all take up responsibility in his Family? This is absolutely awesome!

So, now let’s be free to use any terms we like: father, mother, parent, daughter, etc. so that we can all be responsible with the encouragements in this article to become responsible in the Family. Frankly, I use the gender free term “gardener” a lot because I like how freeing it is, and how prescriptive it is toward nurturing and caring for others’ natural growth. I encourage you, my dear reader, to see this section as a simple encouragement to receive the Father’s blessing and Father’s call to take up your parenting responsibilities. Become a gardener with me!

Here comes more of the “how to!”

So what do fathers do?
Ah, here comes the good stuff. This next series of practical challenges is related to our previous article titled “How to Act like a Son.” Reading them together might shed some more intense light on both articles. You may notice that, once again, I have chosen not to use this article’s pages for treating the deepthink of fathering…just the practicals…let’s keep it moving…

I see you.
Keep an eye out for sons at all times. People of every size and shape might cry out like a son at any time, often without warning. To be there, means you have to be ready…you have to be looking for them. Now, that’s the awesome thing about pregnancy: it is God’s time to train your eyes to be ready to see your child! If you have been planting the seeds of the Kingdom where you go, teaching about family, loving like family, and living with family, then watch out! These simple things can bring a pregnancy to our relational landscape, and soon the sons will cry out! I have used a lot of exclamation marks in this paragraph because it is the way I feel! Ha!

When the sons make a noise, whether it is the first cry or a long, articulated Book of Need we must be ready to say, “I see you.” It is what every son wants to hear from their dad. No matter how much we want to instruct, correct, or train we must begin with simply assuring them that we see them. We are looking. We are paying attention. Try these responses to those who, in affect, are saying, “Hey, dad, watch this!”

• I see what you just tried to do.
• Your heart in this thing really makes me proud.
• Awesome.
• I have time for you.

Following on the ground we have just cleared, we must make sure that our sons hear us say things like: Sure, I can take a break and talk. Let’s get together for coffee. Come on over, my house is open to you. I can’t see you right now, but it is not because I don’t want to be with you…you must call me again tomorrow.

It is not about building an absolute commitment to availability as it is the heart behind the conversation. Absolute availability is not even realistic or natural. I can’t engage my own children every time they call to me. Sometimes, I have to tell them, “Not now.” Sometimes I even have to say, “Don’t interrupt me right now,” but I can do so because I have already built in them the loving expectation that I am deeply interested in them, and want to spend time with them. We must relay our feelings and our motive, so we will not be unfairly judged by our actions. Be warned, I have seen what happens when fathers answer the phone every time it rings (metaphorically and literally.) This can devalue others whose quality time was interrupted by the ringing phone and the answered call. We must not build an unhealthy assumption in our children that availability and love are absolutely dependent–they are not. What we are to build are people who know first that their Father in heaven loves them and receives them without limitation, and that we share a part of his fathering love to receive them. This means we are committed to one thing absolutely: our Heavenly Father always receives us. Then we make every effort, inside of our earthly limitations, to receive our sons with an open heart.

When we express our feelings we can grow our affections. Remember, Malachi says the hearts of fathers and sons must be turned toward one another. This turning, I believe, is one of affection. Let’s cultivate language of affection toward those we garden.

Your welcome.
Say, “you’re welcome,” when a son gives a compliment. Remember, managers and employees always have to carefully, politically manage their levels of humility, praise, and thanksgiving in order to protect their position and reputation. Fathers don’t need to be concerned with that stuff.

It sounds like this: You are so welcome. I am so honored that you took the time to tell me how that helped you. It makes me feel so good when you let me know I am useful. I love helping you, it was great fun for me.

We will not act like managers:
Here are some quick action tips to help us exercise our true heart, and to not fall into old managerial action traps. I will speak for experience as I have fallen into all of these holes at one time or another.

Destiny is between you and your Heavenly Father
A couple that look to me for fathering grace recently came to visit for several weeks and unwind from a season of struggle and hard work in ministry and life. We loved having them near us. They were at a serious life transition point, a place where decisions had to be made. Those decisions about what to do, where to live, who to serve would affect them the rest of their lives. I had to resist, with all my might, the urge to just draw up a life plan for them. I do see some things they may not see, and I do have more experience in some things than they do. Maybe I could map out a plan that could save them some heartache, but…
What a huge “but.”

If they are to mature they must hear for themselves, and obey the Father. No man needs to try and teach them into their destiny–not even their spiritual parents because it would stunt their growth and the outcome would be tragic. This is the pain of every parent who has older children leaving home and making their own way. There are some times when we must learn to be happy to just remind them of our family, our lineage, and our values…and then we say to them, “Now go, and hear the Lord.” Paul said, with boldness, that He worked in “admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.” Col. 1:28

We must be careful not to try and employ everyone in our own work. We must encourage them in their own work. (We occasionally hit the jackpot when they choose to stay and work alongside us!) Some will come and serve with us, but not many. We can’t tell them what to do, unless they really are babies in the Lord, and even then with great fear because the DNA of the Kingdom in them is going to grow as the Spirit has planned.

My reputation, I share with you
Maybe the single greatest, strengthening work a father does in the lives of his sons is to share his reputation. In the natural we do it by giving them our name. Zane Pasley. Xander Pasley. These two boys will carry my name into every house they enter, classroom they grace, job they have, and eventually they will share it with their wife and their sons, too. Wow. Think on that and come back in a few.
It really reaches a high value, when the father stands and says, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” This is how we give our reputation: before our sons even act we endorse them in public. Oh, yeah, I know that is risky. So what? Jesus enjoyed this public blessing, this sharing of reputation, when he was formally claimed by his Father and so now and example has been set for those of us who hear the call to garden–to father. This claiming is a public work. Adoption is because of family love, not because of approved actions. It is not work-and-earn our approval, it is be-loved-and-go with our blessing. We use our mouths to identify who we are nurturing so that whether they make mistakes and drop out, or do well and receive awards, we are right there saying, “You are mine, I love you. I rise and fall with you no matter where you go.” Try to find a manager who will do that! (I may post a million dollar finder’s fee on that one.)

Position is old school
I don’t use the word “father” much at all in my regular work of nurturing others with my fathering grace. I find it too closely associated with those who use it to denote position, or power and who have created a bad reputation for its wonderful office. (It is too bad that the word has these negative power connotations but it does, and so with some maturity we avoid it and, instead, focus on function.) Sometimes I purposely overplay it to reveal un-forgiveness or judgement against authority in someone I love. I don’t avoid it when I teach because it is eternally true and important, but I can encourage others with my fathering grace without ever bringing the language to the front. I will not allow the mistakes of some in the present or in history steal this beautiful term or reality from me. Will you?

Did I mention that I love the term “gardener?”

Have you seen the moment of grasping when the parent is yelling at the rebellious teenager in hopes of regaining authority, “I am your mother!” Well, we all know at that moment something has already been lost that will not be recovered by the force of grasping at the title. It may be restored by seeking to function as a better parent. Obsessing over the title of “father” is a sign of immaturity and it reveals we are grasping for what is not natural. Obsessing over the function of fathering will bring joy to the Father’s heart.

(Beware those who use titles a lot, they probably are compensating for insecurity. They could just be oblivious, however, and for them, I ask forgiveness for the previous statement.)

Summary
Whew, I just re-read this article and realize this is one fast fly-over. When I write things like this I give myself a “get out of jail free” card on unfinished thoughts and imperfect illustrations–I hope you will give me one, too. Some topics are worth discovering even if, at the beginning, it is a bit messy, and I think these thoughts on the basics of the fathering grace will qualify. If you take anything away from these encouragement my prayer is the confidence I place in you. You can do it. You can be someone very special to someone. You can garden, you can father, you can nurture and love. Go and exercise some responsible, parenting action. Go give a new nurturing phrase a try. Try to communicate your belief in someone’s destiny, your confidence that they will become. Everyone must have someone, so keep your ear tuned for those tiny little son-like noises.

You don’t have to be something for everyone.

You don’t have to be everything for anyone.

But you do have to be at least something to someone.

Let’s go, my friends, and take care of those we love.

(A nicely organized version with Table of Contents and Bibliography available in the PDF version here in our online store for ninety-nine cents or free for TRIBE members.)

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Scripture Note
Prov. 4:1 Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.

Part I
Like a “Dummies” guide for sonship
I love those books for “Dummies.” I don’t feel condescended to when I pick one up, rather, I feel that I will get the fundamentals laid out in a quick, easy-to-read manner and that all the non-essentials will be happily omitted. Great. So here is my offering to you. A quick, easy-to-read primer on some of the essentials of acting like a son. No big work on the concept, the theology of, or the great historical works surrounding…just the bare essentials for action. This article is not meant to be exhaustive. You may find things to add. Email me.

I propose this “how to” article for two reasons. The first is that usually when we begin to do things by discipline that are in harmony with the heart of a thing, it is more likely that the heart of the thing will take root in our souls and give rise to spontaneous work. For example, if when my sons fight over crayons and one smacks the other I demand that they say, “I am sorry,” then long before they actually feel sorry…sorrow and repentance may find a way to their hearts. Secondly, most of us know how we feel, but we don’t always know how to express it. A cheat sheet for action can be very helpful. For instance, for those of us macho men who know little about romance it is enough to simply do as we are told in romance “how to” guides: Buy flowers. Give compliments. Don’t burp your date’s name to her. These actions when met with the reactions and results of a real relationship will give rise to new romantic instincts that better reflect our hearts…and will more likely earn kisses in the future. Good.

Hey, Dad, watch this!
I don’t really think the word “dad” has to be thrown in to make this a real winner. I have two boys. I just went downstairs to make sandwich and the first thing Zane says as he jumps up on the counter and shoves a Lego thing in my face is, “Hey, Dad, look at this.” He made sure I looked at it and didn’t just grunt my approval without actually turning my head, and then he waited for me to say something. I said, “that’s cool,” and off he went. Enough.

Sons like to show. The son’s command to “look” is one that says several things: I enjoy your looking. I want someone who loves me to see this. I like your approval. I don’t want to be alone. I’m with you.

My son did not need me to tell him how to make the Lego thing, nor did he need detailed feedback on a written form. He did not want to schedule a meeting later. He just wanted some kind of immediate, focused attention. I think my son wants to know I am interested in what he does, and he derives some of his key identity from knowing who is really interested in him, what he does, what he makes, what he tries to do, etc.

Sons, tell your dads that you want them to see what you are doing. This includes what you did do, are doing, and will do. I think the present tense and future tense showings are more important that the past tense ones. They speak a bit more vulnerability. When a son only shows what has done, then his heart is probably aching only for approval, and wants to present only the good things that will earn it. The son that knows he is loved can share what he is presently doing, what is in process, as well as that which he has yet to even begin.

I need __________.
It is hard to imagine sons that don’t need their dads. Even 60 year old sons need their dads. Not in the same way as a 5 year old son, but they are not afraid to need. The older son, whose dad has died, still says it in the phrase, “I wish dad were here.” Why? Because the connection to who we are is thin without a connection to a watching dad.

Strange, then, that we don’t always know to use “I need” statements in our conversations with our living fathers. They are so simple. Here are some examples that mean it, but use different words: I wish you were here. I thought a lot about you when I was there. I want you to tell me what you think. If I don’t spend some time with you, I feel something is missing. I bought you this extra ticket to go with me. I need you with me on this.

There is something magically permissive about need statements. They don’t have to be weak, frail, and sickly dependent in their tone, they just have to give value to what the father brings by his very presence. It tells the father who loves, that he can love even more specifically.

Sons, tell your fathers you need them.

Thanks!
Wow. Really? Yep, no kidding.

There is really nothing quite like a simple “thank you” to help a son along in his journey with spiritual fathers. Nothing says, “do it again” quite like a simply gesture of thanks. They sound like this (try them aloud to see how they fit). I really appreciate you coming with me. Thanks for listening, it means a lot. I am so grateful that you took the time to be with me. I loved hearing your heart on this, thanks. Thank you. Thanks.

You can do this in person (best), on a phone call (good), or in an email/text (ok). Sons just do it.

Part II
But the employee operates differently
As is my habit, I am going to throw in some contrasting value/actions that populate the life of the employee has he relates to his manager. These instincts die hard even in the life of the son, and must be discerned and diminished as we go along. I don’t think focusing on these will help the son any more than an alcoholic should focus on his favorite drink in order to quit it, but maybe by mentioning them it will help us see.

What should I do?
Sounds healthy enough. Even sounds humble. But there are few times when the heart of a father is just to tell his son what to do. The heart of the father is to implant the “why we do” values into those he loves. A son is built to believe that his judgement is derived from the same value anchor as his father’s, and that he will be trusted to act accordingly. It’s not that a father will not tell a son what to do. It is that the father does it to instill value, not to create an deficient who can’t choose for himself.

Want to live like an employee? Then keep asking your leaders what to do. Employees must ask their managers what to do, because it is from this formula that success, paycheck, promotion, and approval are all derived. Sons avoid this naturally, most of the time because they are already very satisfied with their position in relationship.

Why are you here?
It’s that odd moment when you land at a purely social engagement, a casual party, and bam! your boss from work is there. Oh, so wierd. Awkward. Why? Because employees and managers know when they are “on” and when they are “off” and they calculate very carefully their actions accordingly. Seeing a manager in a non-managed environment, then, feels very out of balance. You shouldn’t be here.

Managers and employees are very satisfied, and most comfortable with, remaining unreachable after business hours. It is a preservation of the sacred “on” space where positions, power, appearance, and vision can all be carefully conducted, and the “off” space become uniquely theirs to actually enjoy. This sadly, is the most common leadership style taught at seminaries everywhere best I can tell because I hear it repeated often, and I see it lived out even more often among “pastors” of fellowships with their employees–their staff.

Sons, in contrast, are comfortable with their whole lives being available for the enjoyment of their fathers.

Where is my place?
Poor employee heart. Always needs a position to feel good, and a promotion to feel great. These feelings soon diminish.

This value grows a constant need for attention, accolade, and promotion to new responsibilities and new pay raises. It talks about itself at the water cooler, at lunch, and can’t shut up even at the Christmas party. It needs so badly to be recognized. James 3:16 reads, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” Watch and see. The employee heart always needs to be schmoozing his way to the next opportunity to ascend, and will do anything to get it.

Sons don’t need promotion any more than a younger son needs to become the older in order to feel a part of the family. When an employee heart doesn’t get the notice and advance he craves, it will quite that manager and find a new one who will give it. And damn the last manager for being such an idiot.
Sons don’t quit your dads.

Back to the positive notes
When I think of one Scripture that points to the contrasted heart of the sons and the slaves (employees) I think of Hebrews. I think of the whole book. It begins with a challenge that only some can enter into the rest of God but some remain at work in the hardness of their hearts. This makes me think of the difference in the actions listed above. In one category there is rest, and in the other there is constant, never ending work. Hebrews culminates in Chapter 12 as the writer clearly defines those of us who can receive this word as…sons. To me Hebrews is the long, circular picture of understanding that God has always been for His sons, and anything less is the tiring religion of slaves and their master-managers.

I think you may have the heart of a son. I think many of you only need a few little bread crumbs that lead down new trails of action. Once you get started you will invent your own language and expressions for sonship. They will be clear and personal. They will lead to intense joy and amazing new difficulties. Best wishes on your journey.

So I am underneath an old RV with a good friend, a son in the Lord. We are changing the oil together. I suggested it as an excuse to get a little time together after he expressed some apprehension about doing the job alone. As we work on the oily stuff together he confesses that though he loves me like a spiritual father that he feels very awkward about how to act. I ask of his relationship with his natural dad. He was an alcoholic and very removed. Oh.

I share the story of how boys always say, “Hey, dad, watch this,” and then I ask him a question:

Will you call me every now and then not to ask advice, but just tell me what you are thinking of…or what you are doing?

Ok.

Then that is enough for now.

Ben Pasley
April 2008

Bible-ography
4:6 He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.
Mal. 2:10 Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another?
Gal. 4:7 So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.
Prov. 4:1 Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.
John 8:35 Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever.
Eph. 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” — which is the first commandment with a promise — 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

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Sitting with some men last night sharing some hand rolled goodies from Nicaragua and Honduras I was reminded of something I thought I would share. We were sharing our histories in Christian systems, and our present insights on the same subject. This is a handy nugget that even my 7 and 4 year old have taken into their hearts because I pressed it into them:

Stop using the word “Church” in a sentence if you don’t know what it is.

Recently, (and many times before) I was surrounded by some of the best people in the world. Gracious folks with excellent pedigrees. In a short moment of sharing personal experiences in Church life I must have heard the word “Church” used 20 times for everything BUT what it is. I don’t fault my friends. I remember when Bob Terrell first began to make fun of me for using it incorrectly. He mocked me not because he thought it was funny, but because he wanted me to know how dangerous it was. Do you remember C.S. Lewis’ book “Mere Christianity” when he argues that words can lose their meaning when enough people begin to use them in an alternate way? He used the word “gentleman” to show how what used to mean a person who owned land had morphed into meaning a nice guy…simply because people inserted into the word their feelings about what a gentleman should be. He concludes, “When a word ceases to be a term of description and becomes merely a term of praise, it no longer tells you facts about the object: it only tells you about the speaker’s attitude to that object.” It is certainly true about the word “Church”, just as is Lewis went on to challenge the modern use of the word “Christian.”

We know that the Greek word for Church–ekklesia–fundamentally means “called out ones” from its usage in the Greek New Testament. I believe we can ignite our imagination to see just a little more in that beautiful word than this dry definition implies. It is used twice by Jesus in matters of great importance, and some 102 other times in the New Testament, every time referring to the people of God as a unique collection of folks to be identified uniquely with that term. This Greek word may have been used at some point to identify generic gatherings, but in the New Testament context it exclusively refers to follows of Jesus who could be identified in a group together. To see the word in practice we turn to common usage in the New Testament. These things you will see: the Church belongs to Jesus, He is the head of it, it is important, it is His people in a place. Here is what you will not see: more than one Church in one place unless it is only part of the Church in that place, Church divided by race, style, or doctrine, or any one leader claiming to have one.

In the New Testament Jesus is going “to build my Church” (Matt. 16:18) making the Church more than a concept but a concrete think that Jesus can possess, and it is entirely His to build as He likes. When Jesus says to take an unrepentant offender “to the Church” (Matt. 18:17) we see his imagination already composed an identifiable gathering of people. In Acts we find out the Church can be found in locations when the writers state: “the Church in Jerusalem” (Acts 8:1) or the “Church in Antioch” (Acts 13:11) just as groups of people could be found there. It was said that Paul sought to “destroy the Church” (Acts 8:3) by persecuting Christian people. The Church can grow in numbers (Acts 9:31) by the addition of people, people can belong to it (Acts 12:1), and it can be gathered as people are gathered (Acts 14:27). Their are many Churches because their are believing people in many places, for example, the converts in Lystra and Iconium and Antioch (see Revelation, also) were encouraged by Paul and his team, the visited them and “ordained them elders in every Church.” There were elders “of the Church” in Ephesus (Acts 20:17). Phoebe was a “servant of the Church in Cenchrea.” (Romans 16:1) The Church can meet “at a house.” (Romans 16:5) as some believers gather in a home, and it can be represented in whole referring to all the believers “over here” (Romans 16:23). There was a Church “in Corinth” (1 Cor. 1:2) and the Church can be “assembled” (Acts 19:39). There are Churches “of the Gentiles” because these were people that were not Jewish living in predominately non-Jewish places. This is like “Churches of the Canadians” identifying the people of God in different places in Canada. We have spiritual gifts to “build it up” (1 Cor. 14:12) which is, of course, the building of people, and unbelievers don’t belong to it (1 Cor. 14:23) because this unique gathering called the Church are those who belong to Christ (Matt. 16:18). Christ is the “head” of it (Eph. 5;23) emphasizing its origin, its destiny, and its authority. Christ, Himself, feeds and cares for it (Eph. 5:29), and it is His body (Col. 1:24).

This one word definition and all the usage examples in the New Testament we can make some obvious and concrete conclusions. The Church is any gathering of the people of God. Whether we gather them in our imagination or in an actual places. In our imagination we can imagine the Church of the world, the Church of Asia, or the Church in the 18th Century. In terms of location we can see the Church in a home meeting, the Church in Woodland Park, or the Church that meets at the Nazarene fellowship. In every occasion we are imagining the people who belong to Jesus, and who are gathering together. This second implication “who are gathering together” is from the fact that the followers of Jesus in the New Testament embraced, without exception, the idea of gathering, joining together, meeting with each other, corporate worship, teaching, prayer events, etc. as a normal expression of life in Christ–life with one another.

Following C.S. Lewis’ thought process we can see how this word has fallen into dysfunction. Here are the stepping stones from truth to silliness:
Step 1: Followers of Jesus are the Church.
Step 2: Followers of Jesus meet together as the Church.
Step 3: We go to meeting places to be with the Church.
Step 4: These meeting places are Churches.
Step 5: We identify Churches by style, doctrine, race, etc.
Three out of five of these statements are perfectly true. It takes a subtle, but deadly, shift in our imagination to move from the first three true statements into believing Step 4 where meeting places become Church. Our first step in this shift is to simply start using words and ideas that agree with this fatal notion before we actually choose to believe it. The shift has to do with moving away from the concrete definition of the Church as people and toward more conceptual ideas of “why” they meet together which in turn will lead us to Step 5. This is how we follow Lewis’ logic when he says we begin to add “how we feel” about the word and then we begin to destroy the word. We feel that the Church should meet in a special kind of home or a cathedral and we have begun the slide. We feel that the Church should teach certain things and sing a certain kind of music and we have divided ourselves among a myriad of fault lines. We begin to identify the uniqueness of our Christian life with a certain division and we are already useless. Catholics should–and do–appreciate this line of thinking as they look over the modern day Protestant devolution.

So today, when we ask the question, “How do we build the Church?” the modern person imagines one of two things–the first is the building of a structure. This does not originate with folks who are not followers of Jesus, but with those of us who are the “called out ones.” This may sound absurd at first, but listen to the kinds of statements we make every day: “Are you going to Church this week?” “Meet me at the Church.” “What Church do you belong to.” “I’ve been going to Church all my life.” “We are raising money to build a new Church.” I am sorry to have to make such generalizations about foolishness in the mouths of believers, but, sadly, it is generally true that we say these things without reservation.

The second idea that people have about “building the Church” is founded on the glory of belonging to a doctrine or style. Each new, and better revelation, eventually builds itself a unique place and that place become our spiritual home. Here are the words that we use: “I am a Baptist.” “This is my Church.” “I belong to the charismatic Church.” “Don’t you think the Church is too liberal today?” “Ever been to a black Church?” “I have been hurt by the Church.” These statements identify a group of us who have chosen a certain way to do things–or at least divide things–and now we call ourselves a “Church” even though we can’t find an example of that kind of division in the entire New Testament. People have been offended by a style, a teaching, or even one person in a building called a “Church” and now, because we have given them permission to do so, they are perfectly justified in rejecting the “Church” because they see it as a way of doing Christianity in a building. Dear reader, did you absorb that thought? We have given people permission to reject us whenever they disagree or have been offended by any one of us…all because we have set the precedent.

It seems that we fall into a trap whenever we do one of two things: we make the “place” higher in value than the “people” who meet there, or we place a human judgement higher than the judgment of Christ who says there is only one.

Before we come up with a list of reasons why the divisions must stand, let’s consider some of grave consequences to the killing of the word “Church”. When we allow meeting places to creep into our imagination when we say “Church” we begin a downhill slide into believing things that are not true about God and about ourselves. It is a lie to begin with and will only give birth to more lies. The Church is not a building and should never, ever be referred to in this way. As soon as the Church is the building in our minds then God, Himself, must be a building contractor in the business of using up earth’s resources to construct physical altars to Himself. God becomes concerned, then, with the construction and maintenance of temporal things as though He were temporal. God becomes needful of men’s worship, and their sacrifices, and their cooperation. God becomes, as can be evidenced by much of modern Christian culture, nothing more than whatever we need Him to be in order to keep our building important and full. The leadership gifts of the New Testament are cut down to a leader called a “pastor” who now becomes the CEO of the affairs in the building. I meet very few pastors who love the people of God who do not suffer under the weight of this prejudice…whether they support it or not. The notion that our faith is contingent on a meeting place makes us intellectually impotent because this idea is absurd to everyone. Just the notion that a God worth believing in would require all of his Holy exchange to happen in a building we made with our hands makes Christianity appear to be concocted by stupid, selfish people who needed an excuse to escape from–or rule the world by–their unique meeting places and their unique teaching. No eternal Kingdom would need such foolish props. This is why many Muslims today who are very interested in following Jesus find the division of the modern Christian Church to be a sign of impotency and false teaching. Let me say it again, supported from Scripture and the whole of the heart of God, there is only One God and there is only One Church. Ephesians 4:4-6 underlines it this way, “There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.”

This leads us to consider the damage we do by affirming in the minds of everyone around us that the Church is a teaching or a style or a nationality. By calling the many different styles and ways of understanding our faith “Churches” we have made ourselves appear to be idiots. When we agree with this idea create a foundation for understanding the nature of the Church that is a lie. The Church does not begin with race, or creed, or revelation, but by Christ alone. It is not held together by leaders, or teaching, or tradition, but by Christ alone. We do not derive our identity from anyone but Christ who is the Head of the Church and has called into one Family and his given us a new name which relates us all together under our Father God. Only a fool would claim to have the same Father as all his other siblings, yet claim to be from a different family.

If you think that I am implying that we should all meet in one great big building in our cities and towns then you are missing the point all together. Of course the family of God can meet in different places as varied in size, shape, and style as you can imagine. If you feel that I am unduly attacking a certain tradition or denomination then you are wrong, because I am giving them all equal time as it relates to wrong thinking and wrong speaking. This article is about redeeming our speech–redeeming one sacred word. In turn, I believe, we can change the spiritual landscape of our world one person at a time and begin to speak and believe in a way that will thrill the heart of the Father. Want to come along?

Here are a few ways we can, personally, begin to bring the word “Church” back to life. Dear reader, if you choose to implement even one of these encouragements this year you will see a dramatic change in they way you pray, you love, and you see the Church of Jesus around you! Oh, how simple this is…

1. Don’t let your mouth or the mouths of your family members call a building a Church. Call it a fellowship, a meeting place, a gathering, a worship center, a Church building, but never a Church. Practice this in sentences like these: “I will meet you at the fellowship.” “We have to be at the Church building by five o’clock for prayer.” “Our worship center is on the corner of Main and 3rd.”
2. When referring to the people of God in a building, whether from the stage or in conversation, don’t call them “The Body” or “The Church”. Refer to them as the believers that meet at First Baptist, or the Church of our city that meets at the Christian Center (because some of the Church in your city meets in other buildings). Seeing part while imagining the whole is key.
3. Never claim to have it, or to own it. Phrases like “my Church”, “your Church”, “their Church” are just plain useless and are divisive. Always give it to Jesus…He likes it better that way. Practice using simple terms to identify different gatherings like “our meeting place”, “your worship gathering”, and “their fellowship.”
4. Never divide it in your imagination or your speech unless it is according to geography. Descriptives like “black Church”, “charismatic Church”, “Catholic Church” are divisive and are not beautiful to the Holy Spirit. We always strive to keep the Church together. Here are some sentences that are much better, even if they are designating unfortunate divisions because they imagine one Church: “Many black Christians meet at that fellowship.”, “This gathering is much more charismatic in its expression of the gifts.”, or “The Catholic believers meeting at this cathedral.”
5. Here are some positive uses of the Church as we might see it divided geographically. “I feel especially fit to serve the Church in Dallas.” “The Church in our city is coming alive and many of our fellowships are growing.” “The Church in Africa is challenged to understand so many different imported traditions.”
6. I find that leadership can really mature if we use phrases like: “The pastor of our fellowship really has a heart for the Church of the area.” “Can you differentiate who you pastor and who you teach on Sunday mornings?” “God calls me to serve the Church, and I am presently working for this fellowship.” Just to name a few (this is a bigger subject to be covered later!)

Now here are some practical, concrete actions to help us all grow in imagining the one Church that Jesus loves without tearing down our buildings:

1. Pastors, teachers, every Sunday morning when you lead your opening prayers lift up another fellowship (and don’t call it a Church, please) by name and bless them by name. For example, “Father, we lift up the believers that meet at First Baptist downtown and we bless their leaders and all the people to prosper and to enjoy you today.” Oh, what a powerful 10 seconds.
2. Every now and then, or even quite regularly, take up a special offering for fellowships and ministry works in your city. So many times we support division simply by passivity, or exclusion. Dear leaders, don’t you think that Jesus loves them and wants to prosper their work, too? You could hand deliver it to the leadership team by hand (over good coffee), or you could simply send it with a card that reads, “We just wanted to say we love you and support you, may God bless this no matter how you choose to spend it!”
3. Occasionally, try to host a city wide worship meeting, or a town arts gathering, or a village wide food drive…and please, keep the name of your fellowship off the poster (who really cares?). How about “Sponsored by part of the Church of our dear city”…see what reaction that gets! Most of the time these things fall into problems when individual names, teachings, or styles are catered to. Avoid trying to make everyone happy (that just supports the old school divisions anyway), and just be a selfless host for good activity. Many people just want to know that we can be for Jesus, and not the promotion of our club.
4. Leadership, encourage all the members of your fellowship, and require your leadership team, to visit and enjoy the worship and teaching of other fellowships in your area at least once a quarter. Tell them to always take an offering, to always go with blessing in their hearts, and to never give the enemy room to sow division or judgement in their hearts.
5. Pastors, elders, don’t just attend the monthly pastor’s luncheon in your town like the obligation that it can often be. Choose, along with your spouse and family, to host a local leader, pastor, worship leader, elder in your home for dinner or coffee once a month. Invite anyone once, and invite the folks you connect with even more. You may find this to become so energizing that you can’t just do it once a month. Avoid, at all costs, conversations on doctrine and tradition as they are useless and have never helped anyone make friends, which is why so many local pastors have so few friends. Let’s learn how to do this together!

Ok, I am done with this encouragement for now. Thanks, friends, for being patient as it took me over a month to complete this thought for you. I pray that many of my comrades and partners will take the time to email me their thoughts and encouragements. If you just want to argue, then please keep it super short and super civil. I will welcome all thoughts, but especially those that are practical and personal, rather than intellectual ideals or situational inventions because they just don’t interest me, but you do.

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